You know...the sooner I get off this earth, the better. Not exactly the best attitude to have, but at this point, I'm going to take the cop out method and say I just can't help it even though I know I can.
The people I really admire on this earth, the ones that I respect the most...are the Godly people. My pastor, the other pastors that I'm familiar with. The evangelists that preach the gospel all over the world regardless of what happens to them. The prophets who could care less what other people say about them, but they continue to speak the Words of the Lord with boldness. The teachers who have to put up with those of us that don't understand. And the apostles, the ones that go out and start new ministries and help pastors build churches. For those of you that realize what I just said, I know those are the 5 offices of ministry. In any case, my pastor, my best friend Bobby Black. Those 2 are real men of God. My pastor's family, a very Godly family. Pastor Mike and his wife Marilyn. Pastor Barry. Arnie and Jennifer Wong. There are more people that I really respect because they have that fire for God that I once had.
I used to love people. I used to think that everyone is beautiful. As I see more of this world...the uglier people get. Not physically I mean. Sin really has a form and a shape more so now than ever. And quite honestly, it's disgusting. The Passion of the Christ movie by Mel Gibson has been the closest anyone has ever gotten to what happened that day. That was just gross what they did. However, with all that happened in the movie, I believe that Jesus went through more than that. Or at least it was even more brutal and disgusting. He had to have in order for the Father to look down from heaven and no longer see Jesus, but see Sin. And yes, it was very brutal and violent in the movie, but I believe it was even worse than that in real life. How could anyone survive more than what He went through in the movie? Because He is still Jesus of Nazereth, the Son of the Almighty God. He had to endure.
I'm not just talking about other people besides myself. I'm talking about myself included. I look at my life and I'm like...what the heck? My life is not where I want it. I'm not doing what God has told me to do nor am I doing what truly lies within me. I haven't been reading my Bible at all. Haven't been praying much, if at all. Trying to stay pure and holy. It doesn't work folks. People are too much like the freaking devil to be able to stay pure and holy on their own. I can't do it. I just can't. I'll kill myself if I continue. The wages of sin is death the Bible says. Oh boy, it sure is!! Am I living a life of sin? Yes and no. I do sin yes, but at the same time, I've stuck to other morals. But even those are getting harder and harder to uphold. People can't do it on their own. We don't really have that ability to be good. It's not part of our nature as children of the devil. John 10:10 "the thief comes not but to kill, steal and destroy". Ephesians 2:3 "and were by nature children of wrath" Where is the good in those things? There isn't. Are there good people in this world that aren't Christian? Of course there are. But that all depends on who's point of view you're looking at them from. To other people, I may be a GREAT person. I help others do things, I volunteer my time, I enjoy serving. I don't swear, lie, cheat...anymore. But let's look at me from God's point of view. He didn't lie to his best friend, but he lied to his parents. He doesn't swear with other people, but cusses in private. He doesn't cheat on tests...but he cheats himself. He enjoys serving, but wants me to bless him. He helps others do things, but neglects his brothers. He volunteers his time, but doesn't spend enough time with his family.
The goodness of people is really only skin deep. We see people do good things for others. "Oh..he helped me study for a test. He's so selfless." But in secret, he's greedy. "Oh, he supported that non-profit organization, he's so nice" But secretly, it's just an abundance and he was giving cause it doesn't really matter if he had the money or not. "Oh, he was brave enough and man enough to tell his girlfriend he cheated on her. What a real man!" Alone with the girlfriend, he lies to her constantly. I mean....people are too quick to say things. Me included. I'm not saying everyone is like that...those are just examples, hehe. But even me. I tell people I don't lie and when they ask me things, regardless of what it is, I tell the truth. But then I've lied to God about things and to my parents occassionally. "Yes God, I'll go home and read my Bible." Gets home and turns on PS2. "Yeah mom, I'll be home tonight for sure." Goes out with friends and stays out late instead.
I wasn't always like that. Where did that passion go? Where did that fire go? The fire has burnt out and the passion...well, that went with it. Times are hard and I know....EVERYONE has a story. So cry over mine. =P Seriously though, I've spent a lot of time and energy on things that maybe I shouldn't have. That includes helping other people. Not that I regret helping them, but there has never really been any fruit to any of it. Correction, never any good fruit. OH LORD!! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!? I think back to all the prophecies spoken over me and the things that people have prophesied that I'd do for God. To be honest....I don't see myself doing that at all.
Wow....what a sad freaking post, lol. Well, I'm sure everyone who reads this will be depressed now, lol. So I'm going to stop here....listen to my music....and cry to God cause I suck. I'll probably read my Bible too since it's sitting open right next to me right now. Laters all. G'night. God Bless. Even in everything I'm going through, He still blesses worthless lil me. Something to think about there.
Wayne Hsu and Holy Spirit (cause He never leaves me)
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